When you make plans,

You realize that they are nothing if they are not Gods plans!

We have been so excited getting ready to move into our new house and all the other fun stuff we had planned this fall, I guess we kinda of forgot to ask God if that is what he wants! I thought we did, but apparently we did not. 

We ended up having to get out of our contract with the house featured below. After a couple of days of wondering what we were going to do, we were in place to buy another house at an incredible deal and just as we had settled into that plan, we were informed that it was not going to work out as well. 

So we are homeless. Ok, that may be a little dramatic, but we do not have a house as of yet. 

Before we started on our home buying quest, we felt God calling us into the one particular neighborhood. We fell head over heals in love with a house there, but our offer was not accepted so we quickly moved on. 

How quick were we! We felt God calling us there, had people tell us they had been praying for us to be there, and we gave up at the first sign of defeat. Have I not learned ANYTHING from cancer?! 

We are back to square one. Still praying for a miracle to get into that house while believing that God is in the business of miracles and God will decided when we are to move. 

Shame on us! 

Angels Among Us!

I had a totally weird and unbelievable experience today as I was taking Jonah to school! 

As we were driving down the road, jamming to some worship music, I felt something come into the car. I have no idea what it was, so I am just going to call it an Angel for the sake of labeling... I just felt this presence with me. Those who know me, know I like to talk... a lot. However, I am certainty not in the business of talking to myself, but before I knew what I was doing/saying I just asked out loud what is was doing here and I heard it respond to protect you. Needless to say I thought I was 1. going crazy and 2. maybe I should slow down a little and watch the road more. I traveled a little further down the road, slow and cautious, and all of a sudden this car traveling in the opposite direction starting coming into my lane. I slammed on brakes, swerved and tried my best to avoid a rather bad accident. We ended up stopping inches from that car, but we were safe. Then before I knew it, the presence I had felt earlier... was gone. 

For once in my life I was left speechless.

I am constantly humbled by our Lord

 

Thats a Big Boy!

Big Boy Holton that is! As a special treat for Jonah, we are getting a dog. We figured it was going to be a hard transition moving out of my parents house and thought a dog would be a great distraction. Plus with a 1/2 acre of land, there will be plenty of roaming available. We also thought it would be best to get a puppy while we do not have any furniture and before we get our new furniture! 

A friend of mine that I have known since middle school had some golden/lab puppies for sell and I just fell in love with them! So today Jonah and I hiked out to Rockwell and picked out the one that fits us best. Jonah immediately bonded with Big Boy. When asked when one he would like to take home one day, he immediately responded with Big Boy! I am so happy, he was one of my favorites. Here are some pics of the newest member of our family! We will be bringing him home middle of October! 

We're Outta Here!!

After two LONG (but totally blessed) years, Ryan and I are moving out of my parents house! We could have never done it without their help. When I was unable to take care of Jonah, my mom was there to take over. When we were looking at finances and wondering how we would pull of two years without either one of us working, they welcomed us into their home, without any thought as to how it would work for their finances. When Ryan thought he would have to quit school to stay home and help me out after my third surgery, they were there encouraging him to continue. I love my parents so much! 

But alas it is time to move on. 

Time for us to be a family of three again. 

Time for life to get back to "normal". 

After a lot of thought, we decided to move into almost summerfield. The neighborhood seems fantastic and there are a lot of young children around for Jonah to play with! We got to meet some of our neighbors the other day and I am super excited! It turns out that they do a Halloween "haunted trail" for the kids every year! How awesome! We both were longing to be in a neighborhood where people were more then neighbors, but friends. Looks like we found the right spot! 

This month also starts what promises to be an exciting year.. and exciting other then in a medical sense... as we have had enough of that! I am going back to dancing (tap and hip-hop for those curious). Dance was such a HUGE part of my life growing up and I have been itching to get back in for awhile now! I am also involved in a MOMS group, Bible Study, Small Group Leaders, Ministry Mentoring, Acting in Kids Stuff on Sunday Mornings.. the list goes on and on! 

Let me also say how proud I am of my husband, Ryan. He has to be the smartest man out there! He got through Anesthesia School while dealing with all the cancer drama at home. The stress was high and there were many nights he should have been studying but chose to serve me. I love him with all my heart and I have been so blessed to have such an awesome husband and awesome man of God. 

Starting My Ministry...

Throughout this cancer process I have heard the Lord clearly speak to my heart about doing a speaking ministry. After much prayer, I feel like I have been released to speak about how God romances us through our most difficult situations. If you would like some more information about my the Cancer Sucks, God Rocks Ministry... please contact me! Here is the video from my first speaking event! 

http://www.youtube.com/user/cancersucksgodrocks

My Husband, the dream stealer...

Ryan and I have a joke about him being a dream stealer... I want to be published, he has been....etc. He has wanted to learn how to take pictures with my camera and I have succesfully managed to keep this knowledge to myself, until I realized that I am in Jonah's baby album at birth and then I do not show up again! So I put aside my pride and taught him the very basics... 

and this is what happens. Darn Ryan...

.

I LOVE THIS PICTURE!!!

Baby No More!

Last weekend we decided that Jonah was ready for a big boy bed. Well, maybe I should say that Jonah decided it was time since he was the one that figured out how to get out of the crib. He has done so well with his new bed and I have never seen him so excited about something unrelated to animals! Here are some pics! Enjoy! 

BTW- I have some amazing things to tell you about the last month! I am sorry I have not kept up the blog, but good things come to those who wait!

Ok, now onto the pics...

just a quickie...

Thought I would post a quick update, more will follow this weekend.

As of right now, they have stopped the treatments. Fear not worry warts of the blog, they will start back on Monday, but they will be giving me a lesser dose. Why? Well, last weekend I stopped being able to walk by myself. My legs were so weak, I had to hold onto things or people in order to get across the room. Needless to say, this was not supposed to happen. After the weekend break my legs started to feel better, so they resumed as normal with my treatment until it started happening again on wed. So they are giving me a long weekend to recover and then I will back at it on Monday. 

ONE WEEK DOWN!

and I think I am the only interferon patient to gain weight! I had my first dr. appointment since the treatment started and it was very discouraging. I learned I had gained 6 lbs. and the dr. was not very nice. When I first met with this dr. 1 1/2 years ago, I did not like him. I still do not like him. I was explaining that I was having problems with nausea and asking if there was anything else we could do about it. He then ask me if I am having cold chills, night sweats, fevers and I say no.... he says well then you should count yourself lucky.  I wanted to say it is more then just luck that I do not have the worst side effects, that is because of Jesus, but I kept my mouth shut. He then told me that he discounted me when I told him I struggle with nausea when we first met and that he should have taken me seriously. Well YES, he should have taken me seriously. I know my body better then ANYONE. So I left his office discouraged and feeling like I can not tell my dr medical issues and be taken seriously. But, at the end of my visit, the nurse handed me my calendar with a whole week checked off. Thanks God for that! 

Treatment went ok. I am still tired and achy but hopefully Ryan and I will be able to watch a movie tonight. I got my week long IV out (also another praise that I was able to keep the IV in for 5 days, instead of 4). 

Confession time: I do not feel like I have been able to point to God as much as I wanted to. I have been so focused on if I was going to feel side effects, or just too scared to do anything. That cancer center is a very intimidating place. I pray that as I go into this next week of treatment that everyone will be able to see Christ in me! It is real Hope and real Power that I have in my life... a power so strong that even interferon has not been able to defeat it!! God is so awesome and I can not wait to get to church on Sunday and just praise him! 

Day 4....

Almost a full week down.  I am hanging in there.  A very interesting thing happened today! While I was receiving my zophran pre meds I started having blurry vision in my right eye. Apparently, this is a not to often side effect of this drug. Leave it to me. 

Today my mom came and sat with me.  Since I had that eye thing, I was kinda glad she was there... that freaked the heck out for me. The eye thing kinda catapulted my bad day into a bad night.  I had the worst fatigue of the week. To top it off, the nausea was horrible. It took everything I had just to make it up the stairs to go to bed. I should have just slept on the couch. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. 

Here is a pic of mom and I right before the "eye incident".  Susan, this pic is for you. 

Day 3...

Whoop! Whoop! Still feeling great! The nurse told me that this week should be the hardest for me, and so far so good! 

Day 2 of Treatment...

and I am still feeling great! My friend Jen went with me again ( I do not think it is for me as much as the free drinks and food, but whatever) and she kept me company. I didn't think I would mind sitting by myself, but I have found that it really helps to have someone there. After my treatment we even braved the gym for a quick workout! I actually felt great the whole night, besides a little headache. When I woke up this morning, I soon discovered that my stomach did not feel good and I was having another unpleasant side effect (won't go into details). I got myself up and got Jonah ready for school and then decided that I would take him. Once I got out of the house, I started to feel a little better! Once I dropped Jonah off I started thinking that going home may not be in my best interest. All I would do is sit and think about how my stomach did not feel well! So off to a friends house I went for our little playgroup. I love those girls! By the time I left, I was feeling MUCH better! When I got home, I talked to the dr. and was able to take some medicine to get my stomach issues under control! Then it was off to my third treatment. 

So far the only side effects I have had are those that are in the "least likely" category! GO FIGURE! 

and most importantly.... PRAISE GOD!!!!!!

Day 1 of Treatment

Nothing can keep me from my computer, not even interferon! 

After the first day of treatment I felt great! I starting running a low grade fever and had some cold chills, overall nothing. I, along with many other people, have been praying that this drug will not effect me and God will have power over it! It is not by my own strength that I felt great, it is by Gods great power!!!! I was also sent a great friend who stayed by my side and kept my mind occupied while I was tied down to an IV. God gives us the exact people we need to help us through! I am so lucky to be surrounded by so many great friends! 

Starting Treatment

Today I start my treatment. Bummer. I was not looking forward to this day, but then again I guess nobody really does. My main prayer is that this drug works over the cancer (if there is any left) and that I would not suffer major side effects. So if you are reading this, please join me in praying Gods power over this cancer and this drug. 

The baby burrito song...

This is our after bath time song. Obviously I am not a talented singer, but Jonah totally has the cuteness factor going for him!  

Jonah, the Bible Man.

The other day I went to get my son out of bed. Usually if he has not woken up by 8 am, and I have to wake him up and it is never a good morning! I mean who likes to be woken up? Well I walked in his room dreading the next hour and there he was, sitting in his bed reading his Bible! Normally if he is awake he screams at me to come in and get him, but he was silent and in deep concentration. Now I know he can not really "read" his Bible, but he loves to look at all the pictures, especially the animals! Man, I felt convicted. I always wake up at the last minute and scramble to get ready, not having the time to even think about reading the Bible, much less doing it. Here my 2 year old son was just resting in God and his animal creations. Not wanting to start the day just yet until he was finished. I need to get up earlier. On that note, I probably need to go to bed earlier as well! Shame on mommy!

We had such a pleasant morning! He was in such a good mood! We got in the car to go to school and I put on my usual CD. I made a CD a couple of months ago with all my favorite worship songs and some other songs that uplift and help me just to be in praise of God. God is soo good and I feel like the only thing I really have to lay at his feet is my praise (as well my heart). I love just worshipping him! There is a song that is called Light of Salvation that is on my CD. It is a great song and there are a couple of versus that are just filled with the word Hey over and over. While we were in the car this song came on and all of a sudden from the back seat I heard a little voice saying "Hey! Hey! Hey!" and then just laughing. That little voice just melted my heart. I pray that Jonah will grow up just loving to worship and laying himself before the King! I had such a great morning! I was reminded that we need to have a child like faith, and how beautiful that is. So innocent, and so full of delight. With all the hectic, craziness of life, it is easy to forget just delight in the Lord and all that he has given us, especially the animals!

My Prison

Lately, the world around me has been crazy but calm. It has been so weird. cancer and all that belongs to it wants to scare you. Wants you to think that there is nothing that can save you or the opposite, makes you depend on so much worldliness such as medicine and doctors and statistic’s that you begin to loose sight of everything and hold on to fear; fear of the unknown, of the pain, of the amount of time left, of the future of your family without you. Yet, despite all of that, it is easy to look like you have everything in check. It would be easy, at least for me, to make dying look easy. People could say that my faith inspired them, that they wished they could have that same faith, that if in my situation that would respond the same. Yes, even though I do have a strong faith that is not what I want this season of life to be about. I do not want people to point to me. So from the very beginning of this cancer journey, I have prayed one specific prayer, that there can be NOTHING I can steal from this. No glory that I could possess, no fame that I could grasp. I wanted this to be all about God and his power. Power that sometimes is even too much for me to comprehend, much less grasp that it could actually happen. But that is the difference between the God I serve and all the other pseudo gods that are out there fighting for people’s hearts. My God has the power of the impossible. The God I belong to rose Christ from the dead and that power belongs to him and him alone. And because of Christ I can come to God asking for that same power over my life, cleansed of sin and unrighteousness, even though there is a lot of that going on in my life. From the beginning of this journey I have felt, prayed and had confirmation that I will not die from cancer. I never really believed in the power of Gods healing. Let’s face it, there have been so many times in all our lives that we prayed with all our might that a person we loved would not die and despite all the prayers, they did. So I prayed that God would use this to strengthen my faith in area’s of doubts. I believed that I had been healed and that I would never see the cancer again.

Then I did.

When I was told that there were two lymph nodes that looked suspicious and the doctors where using words like recurrence, surgery, positive for melanoma, it really shook me, but only for a few minutes. It started to think that if I really believed I had been healed then this certainly could not be cancer. I was sick when I had the PET Scan so it was very suspect that these nodes could have just been inflamed due to infection. I prayed, I asked and I heard that these nodes would indeed come back negative. Most everyone I told looked at me like I was crazy, in denial, or like it was cute that I believed in a miracle. Not many people believed me. But Ryan and I really felt like this was Gods time to shine to those that did not believe. That when those results came back negative there would be no doubt of the powerful and greatness of God. We were celebrating! I also told people that I would be out of the hospital three days before I was supposed to be released. God told me that it would happen so I new the recovery would be easy for me. I would have surgery on Thursday, be out of the hospital by Saturday and at church on Sunday. Again, people thought I was crazy.

Thursday came faster then I anticipated and I found myself in the holding room for surgery. Still holding onto those promises, still being looked at like I was weird.

To my doctor’s complete surprise he found me alert, and ready to go home on Friday when he made his rounds. Most people at this point are still hooked up to some sort of narcotics for pain and nowhere near ready to come home. I was only on Motrin, for the little pain that I was having. So to everyone’s surprise I was released on Saturday with little to no help from pain relievers.

Sunday I was at church.

I say all that not to brag about my strength, but to show you the power of prayer. I had so many people praying for a speedy recovery that there was no option for me to have a slow one! I actually felt great (despite a little pain) on Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday… but by Wednesday I had gone down hill fast.

I found myself back in the hospital Wednesday night and stayed there until Friday afternoon. The most upsetting part about was not the fact that it sucked, but that those who thought I was silly for thinking that I could have a fast recovery, where in a way proven right. I was so frustrated. Every time I had gotten a chance to point to God, it seemed like there would be an earthly counterpoint to it. To make matters worse, while I was in the hospital I got the news that those two nodes had indeed come back positive for cancer. Bummer.

Up until now here is how my prayer life look like, every time I pointed to God, it seemed I was “proven” wrong. From an outsiders prospective, looking like I was silly for believing in Gods Power as well as the Power of Prayer:

Diagnosed with cancer → believing that I was healed → found active lymph nodes with scan → prayed and felt God tell me that those were not cancerous, remembering that I believed in healing → also prayed and believed that I would have a fast recovery → was out of the hospital by Sat and at church on Sunday like I believed God told me → back in the hospital by Wednesday → lymph nodes came back positive for cancer


By Saturday I had become speechless before God. I had prayed and felt and gotten confirmation about everything so why was I here? Why was I, to an outsider, looking like a silly girl with her silly faith? Why was God not answering his promises? I didn’t want my faith to look any magical but the desire of my heart is for people to understand that God is powerful, that prayers are answered and that medicine is not the only way to be cured of a disease. The only thing I had to offer God at this point was tears. As I was crying I began to think of three reasons as to why I was in this position.
a. God lied to me.
b. I really have not been hearing God, but instead been telling myself what I what to hear.
c. God is not done yet.

Well, obviously (at least for me) it cannot be option a: God does not lie. He is truth. So what about option b: it had been confirmed too many times by many different people that it had to be more then me. I was in the word and in prayer and the physical and emotional experiences that I had could no way be made up by me, even if I have the most overactive imagination. That leaves option c. God is not done. There is something more glorious out there that is beyond anything that I can scheme or dream. God does not break his promises to us. What it is, I have no idea and I am not going to try and guess. I had all these pictures in my mind of what the celebrating would look like when we got the news that the nodes were negative. I was planning what I was going to say to people, in other words thinking about me not the Gods Glory. He will give me the words when it is time and they will be from him and not my own mind.

We have been reading in the one-year Bible and right now we are on the story of Joseph (Genesis 37-46). God promises Joseph, through a dream, that he will be leader one day and that his family will even bow down to him. Well obviously when he told his family this they did not like it, espically not his brothers. So his brothers schemed to kill him but end up selling him into slavery where he ended up in prison for a long time. In the end, God remained faithful and his promise was fulfilled, but can you imagine being told that you were going to be a ruler and then ended up in prison for what seemed like forever. It would be so easy just to write off God and dismiss those promises.

I feel like I am in my own prison. I have heard God speak to me and those around me and heard in his word his promises to me, yet here I am feeling like I had this excitement ahead and now all I have are questions. I can choose to dismiss everything God has spoken to me, chalking it all up to desperation, denial or silliness. I can choose to believe that all this faith stuff is a lie. Or I can hold firm onto the God’s promises and power and believe that at the moment it may not look like God is there… he is and he is bigger then ever. He is getting ready to do something so amazing, so unimaginable, so undeniable, that it will be in his timing, perfect timing so there is absolutely no way I can steal any of his glory. So, for those of you who are reading this… hold on tight. I do not know when, where or how, but God is getting ready to reveal something that is bigger then any explanation out there.